truth serum
To keep in silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut
So I went from day to day
Though my life was in a rut
Til I thought of what I'd say
Which connection I should cut
So the 8 year-olds and I went to Trader Joe's tonight and I found myself drooling in the wine aisle. I don't really even drink wine unless someone else is plying me with it for ulterior motives or it's Passover, but you gotta buy the wine at Trader Joe's just for the labels. Anyway, I was just going to drink a small glass but then a few things happened:
a) wine makes my jaw hurt but it also makes my limbs go numb which is really fun
b) it was really tasty
c) you know how you get that cork 1 in every 100 bottles that doesn't actually come out nicely in one piece? well, the cork is IN the bottle which means I cannot recork it, so I had to drink the whole bottle
I was in the kitchen making dinner for the people who drive me to drink wine and Zack said, "Oh my god Mommo, it looks like someone rubbed grapes all over your butt." So then I got to thinking...how could I enjoy the systemic effects of this vino more efficiently? I heard someone ask today, "What happens if you drink a morphine injection?" Well, what happens if I put an IV in my arm and just mainline the wine? Better yet, how about a central line...push that junk right into my superior vena cava. Katie wants to try an NG tube so that wine can just haul ass into her stomach and work its magic without her having to drink it. (But Katie also wants a foley so she doesn't have to get out of bed all weekend, so she needs to be committed.)
I used to live about 45 minutes from Napa Valley and spent lots of time there. Mostly we would stop and get buzzed on the way to my ex's homophobic republican parents' house in Marin County. Albuquerque is so different. The only spirits they're cooking up here is malt liquor in unidentifiable thermos type packaging that you grab on your way out to your car (Keys? check. Celly? check. Thermos? check.). When you drive through Milwaukee, it smells like yeast from the breweries. When you drive through Napa, it smells like wine (well, and all the 2nd hand smoke wafting from 8 foot bongs from all the northern California greenbud hounds). New Mexico? Smells like green chili and thermos beer.
Due to HIPAA, I can't say much except hopefully my patient is in a better place. May she rest in peace.
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut
So I went from day to day
Though my life was in a rut
Til I thought of what I'd say
Which connection I should cut
So the 8 year-olds and I went to Trader Joe's tonight and I found myself drooling in the wine aisle. I don't really even drink wine unless someone else is plying me with it for ulterior motives or it's Passover, but you gotta buy the wine at Trader Joe's just for the labels. Anyway, I was just going to drink a small glass but then a few things happened:a) wine makes my jaw hurt but it also makes my limbs go numb which is really fun
b) it was really tasty
c) you know how you get that cork 1 in every 100 bottles that doesn't actually come out nicely in one piece? well, the cork is IN the bottle which means I cannot recork it, so I had to drink the whole bottle
I was in the kitchen making dinner for the people who drive me to drink wine and Zack said, "Oh my god Mommo, it looks like someone rubbed grapes all over your butt." So then I got to thinking...how could I enjoy the systemic effects of this vino more efficiently? I heard someone ask today, "What happens if you drink a morphine injection?" Well, what happens if I put an IV in my arm and just mainline the wine? Better yet, how about a central line...push that junk right into my superior vena cava. Katie wants to try an NG tube so that wine can just haul ass into her stomach and work its magic without her having to drink it. (But Katie also wants a foley so she doesn't have to get out of bed all weekend, so she needs to be committed.)
I used to live about 45 minutes from Napa Valley and spent lots of time there. Mostly we would stop and get buzzed on the way to my ex's homophobic republican parents' house in Marin County. Albuquerque is so different. The only spirits they're cooking up here is malt liquor in unidentifiable thermos type packaging that you grab on your way out to your car (Keys? check. Celly? check. Thermos? check.). When you drive through Milwaukee, it smells like yeast from the breweries. When you drive through Napa, it smells like wine (well, and all the 2nd hand smoke wafting from 8 foot bongs from all the northern California greenbud hounds). New Mexico? Smells like green chili and thermos beer.
Due to HIPAA, I can't say much except hopefully my patient is in a better place. May she rest in peace.
posted by jill at 22:37
3 Comments:
I LOVE the way that Milwaukee smells... Love it. You drive in and the highway dips between huge brick factories and chimneys pour out yeast clouds. Its so comforting; is that something only a wisconsinite would love?
perhaps...but milwaukee also smells like ambrosia, the chocolate factory where jeffrey dahmer used to work. my mom buys chocolate chips in bulk from there and every time i go home, i inspect the bags, expecting to pull out either a golden ticket or some guy's cooked bicep. gotta love beer city, usa.
Jill, I cant say that I have seen anything as freaky as the people who are here at the coffee shop today, even Jeffrey Dahmer chocolate covered megacolons pale in comparison. There is a woman over there who has a white rat living in her hair. And a leprechaun couple. the gentleman is wearing a tux with the legs torn off below the knees and the woman(?) is wearing black and white striped tights and a skirt. Her hair is dreaded and dyed green. If I woke up in a house like in Saw 2 with them I would throw myself in the pit of syringes, it would be safer.
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