resolutions

Ok. My horoscope (see Sagittarius) this week tells me that 2007 isn't gonna be anything remarkable. So I've decided I'm gonna make it remarkable. Every year we all make resolutions for the new year and keep them for what...1, 2 weeks? Not this year. I'm going all out.

1. I'm gonna get cable tv. I wanna watch all the crap that everyone talks about at work...rerun after rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond and some show called Nip Tuck and did you know Titanic is on every single night of the week? The 6 channels I have now are absolutely not frying my brain enough, nor do they give me enough of the NBA. In fact, I think I'm gonna get the kids their own big screen plasma tv with cable, too.

2. I'm gonna buy Nintendo and XBox and PlayStation and every other game system that's out there to hook up to the kids' new plasma tv. And I'm gonna buy Tetris for every system, and every Tetris-like game for every system. And every Star Wars game ever made.

3. I'm gonna buy guns, too. Why not have guns around? What if my dog isn't as protective as I claim she is? What if it is all about her cuteness and not about her bite? What if someone breaks in and I need to shoot them? And, I'm gonna leave them loaded and not locked up. (The kids will become sharp shooters from their violent video games...see #2.)

4. I'm done cooking. Fast food is gonna take over for me, the busy mom/student nurse/nurse intern. I have better things to do. And no more damn tofu. It has no taste anyway, it just takes on the flavor of what you cook and eat it with. Well, if you dunk a Big Mac in ketchup, you got the same thing...it tastes like ketchup. And vegetables...well, don't the lettuce, onion, and tomato on the Big Mac count? And the ketchup? That's a vegetable, as are the french fries.

5. I'm gonna start smoking pot like 5 times a day: when I wake up, before lunch, before my first nap (from all the pot), after dinner, and before bed. I will be funny and cool all the time. And who cares if I'm broke, I won't need to spend money on any outside entertainment cuz I can just get baked and play Tetris all day long. Feel free to join me, but please bring hot french fries (see #4).

6. No more water, no more wine. I'm going back to Jack Daniels. I've heard that like wine, if you buy it by the case, it's much cheaper. Note to self: steal lots of straws from hospital cafeteria. Cuz drinking liquor through straws makes you get drunk way faster than just daintily sipping.

7. I'm going to become a slut. I'm gonna sleep with every guy I meet. Ugly? Oh well, see #5 and #6. Unsuccessful? Well, just cuz they might not have a job or a degree doesn't mean they won't be successful in the sack. Married? Oh well. Bring em on. And girls, too. I'm gonna seriously start sleeping around. Enough of this self-respect crap, I wanna get laid. Sex without love? No problem. As long as I'm drunk enough, all is well (see #6).

8. I'm gonna start smoking Lucky Strikes. 2 packs a day. No, 3 packs a day. Fuck all those people who quit smoking on new years, I'm gonna stock up on the smokes with no filters. Those people who quit smoking? They're all like crabby and bitchy for months cuz "oh, I quit smoking...blah blah blah." Fuck that. Not me. I'm gonna be in a great mood. Hacking up phlegm and part of my lungs perhaps, but at least I'll be sweet, fun, and friendly, and getting laid (see #7).

2007 isn't gonna be boring. Enough of boring. I'm gonna be Miss Fun Party Girl Getting Fucked and Drunk and Stoned all the time. You guys are gonna fucking love me.

a letter to my snowbird friend

Dear Kathryn,

Now I see why you moved to the east mountains - so you wouldn't have to go to work tonight. I wish I lived just a little higher. Alas, we just successfully shoveled our cars out, so I am good to go.

You enjoy your day by the fire with hot chocolate and warm blankets while I'm doing fundus checks and dexes and crits on YOUR patients. Oh...and you wouldn't HAVE to miss me if you'd just put on some damn skis. Aren't you from Michigan? Like you've never been in 20 inches of snow.

I miss you, too.

Love,
Jill

p.s. don't tell anyone at work what I'm really like

i'm a request line

When they're just given to me...what else can I do?

Email of the day:

hey jilly

i have a quote for your quote of the day.

"Well, apparently Santa is a titty dancer"- My sister Jeer, after
pulling a stack of 50 $1.00 bills from her stocking on Christmas
morning.

Love and miss you, lady

Shen

Love and miss you too. But I'm so not a lady.

and they call it puppy love

Quote of the day: "He is nothing but love in a rapidly growing furry body with sharp teeth." ---this dog's owner

I need one of those. A puppy, not an owner....

the truth i've never told anyone (ok, i think one of you knows this)

I gotta get a postcard published. Tonight I hung out with Hank and actually made my postcard (seeing as though I lack any drawing skills whatsoever, she had to draw the thing I'm secretly hiding). I can't post it here or it won't be a secret, but if it ever gets published in a book, maybe I'll come clean. Maybe.

ah, oui...

My very favorite Christmas card (oh yeah, happy Hallmark holiday to all you believers) was another invite to Paris. Ok, I think I'm gonna go to Paris right after graduation and hang out with a groovy French man and eat baguettes and drink red wine and smoke French cigarettes.

The cheapest flights have layovers either in Cincinnati (where I have family), Chicago (where I have family), or New York (where I don't have family but how Sex and the City would that be).

Anyone coming with me? Colin? Or is Paris not cool enough for you after exotic vacations like Thailand?

these people are on crack

(We are bored at work and waiting for 4:00 so we can go eat red chile.)

First...paulsadowski.com

I especially like my numerology statement that says something about how I could be highly successful if I could just focus.

Focus, my ass.

Then...areyouaslackermom.com

I am a Zen Mom, and I didn't even lie.

Here's the summary: "How do you do it? Even when explosions are all around, you are able to take a deep cleansing breath and chant your mantra "this too shall pass." You are a calming influence on your kids in a hectic world."

Calm, my ass.

More middle of the night ridiculousness: My meddling mother is trying to marry me off to my high school boyfriend. She was at a party with him tonight and called 3 times...during drinks, dinner, and his speech (his father turned 70) "just in case you wanted to hear his voice!" I was with patients and couldn't answer the phone and I thought someone had died. I am no longer answering phone calls from my mother.

Quote of the month (for its ridiculousity): "You're so nice Jill...you're so nice to everyone. I can't imagine you hating anyone." ---Kerri, our charge nurse.

Kathryn, was she really talking to me???

is it coincidence...

...or is it that we are connected like Scotty claims to be connected to cats?

At 1:39 pm yesterday Katie wrote in her blog, "Must go, boarding...and boreding too."

At 1:59 pm yesterday I sent an email (not to Katie) that said, "i'm makin our game though. it's a board game. not to be confused with a bored game."

Katie just told me to read her blog and I discovered that. I almost fell out of bed.

feline envy

Today besides almost slicing off my finger (I'm distracted, apparently) and watching it bleed for hours til Ari finally fixed it with Batman band-aids, I got caught in a typical Albuquerque snowstorm... you know, the kind where the whole city (including UNM and the Sunport) closes down and everyone forgets how to drive. I do have a new appreciation for those of you who read this blahg who actually commute to far-away places, maybe even to a different state (which is so cool). It took me 3 hours to do this drive round trip, just to pick up the 9 year-olds. Insane.

While I was at Ari's before the winter wonderland began, I was watching her cat, Lolita, do all kinds of crazy things, and I decided I would rather be a cat. So, here are the top ten reasons I'd rather be a cat:

10. I could laze around on top of a carpeted shelf all day and meow at people when they walk by and purr when they pet me and swat them when they don't

9. I could sleep 23 hours a day and not be preoccupied with other things

8. I wouldn't be afraid of mice

7. Shaving and waxing wouldn't be an option

6. This cough that I have would actually be producing fur balls instead of nothing but pain and the need to do mad Kegel's

5. If people didn't like me I could hiss at them and bite them and stalk them around the neighborhood

4. I'd always land on my feet

3. Sleeping between anyone's legs would be acceptable

2. I wouldn't be making 1000 cranes, I'd be hunting them down and destroying them

1. It is so obvious yet so wrong to type in the blog, so use your imagination here, ok?

wow

Way to go, New Jersey. I wonder what's next, Silent Bob for President?

For anyone who might be worried, don't fret. I'm not moving to New Jersey. I promise.

But still...awesome news among a bunch of crap. Well, except this.

it's so my birthday still

I made my first stocking ever today! And drank way too many blueberry cosmos and sang really bad, drunk karaoke (did I really do that, Katie? Oy.) and had good, fun friends around.

I shall pay for this in the morning, however. Ouch.

Thank you to everyone who made my birthday way cool and fun.

Besides my origami paper, this was definitely my favorite gift...from Sean, a fellow Bruce Springsteen junkie. I will be reading tomorrow. Thank god finals are over.

Quote of the day: "It was between that and the Sudoku book shaped like a toilet." ---Colin, on the origami paper he bought me for my birthday

Other quote of the day: "That's what drugs are for." ---Jenny, when I told her I was having a good birthday but that I was trying to deal with my life.

The 9 year-olds had their first band concert tonight. Even the cousins came to their debut. It was awesome. They could be the next Donny and Marie.

oh my god

Today I was told that I'm not godly. And because I've already had a religious experience this morning (wherein St. Thomas Aquinas made sure that test was outrageously easy), and because if I WAS godly tomorrow would be a worldwide holiday, I thought I would blog the top 10 reasons why I am not godly.

10. When I need to get across the Red Sea, it doesn't open up for me; I actually have to swim or sail or go around it

9. No one thinks twice about taking my name in vain

8. My children were not immaculately conceived

7. St. Matthew would actually be doing what I keep asking him to do

6. People would say, "Oh you God, Jill...(insert phrase here)" instead of "Oh my God, Jill," right?

5. No one would be sad or lonely or sick or at war or doing horrible things to each other and stores would have Hanukah decorations and radio stations wouldn't be playing Christmas music, they'd be playing only Grateful Dead, Blues Traveler, Led Zeppelin, James Taylor, and Bruce Springsteen for the entire month of my birthday (ok, that's kind of 3)

4. No one goes to Mecca to worship me (not that I know of, anyway)(there's an interesting thought...if anyone's gone to Mecca to worship me, can you let me know? thanks)

3. No one rubs my tummy to make a wish (while that can be construed as dirty, let's not go there)

2. I wouldn't need to make 1000 cranes to make my own damn wish

1. I'd have been smart enough to create a woman first

cursed by avian flu?

Quote of the day: "Wait...doesn't she die before she finishes all the cranes?" ---Adriana, while studying bird flu, about my 1000 paper cranes project...

wait...an addendum

Note to self: do not eat anything baked by a patient.

I can't stop thinking about the brownies.

i don't know who art flemming is...

...So this is not the Art Flemming Flabbergast, but a flabbergast nonetheless. Tonight I heard a story from a nurse who floats from Mother/Baby to the Newborn ICU that is still making me shake my head...

There was a mother of a patient in the Intermediate Care Nursery about a year ago who was so thankful for the wonderful ICN nurses who cared for her baby. After her baby was discharged from the hospital, she came back to visit and to thank them all, she made a big batch of brownies. After the brownies were eaten she said, "I just didn't know what to do with all that extra breastmilk, so I made brownies with it!"

Now...I am 100% pro-breastfeeding (ok, 99% cuz if you're doing heroin I kinda think bottles of formula are the way to go), but I kinda feel like if I'm going to consume another person's bodily fluids, I wanna know who it came from and I want to have some control of how it's coming in.

Food for thought. And enough said.

the monty hall problem

Katie called and woke me up last night to tell me to go to Wikipedia and check out the Monty Hall problem. "I think I need to pick a new door," she said.

I just read it, and I get the whole thing about the 1/3 probability the first time and the 2/3 probably if you change your door after you see the first goat, but...

Ok, fine...you got 3 doors. Behind one of the doors is a new car and behind the other 2 doors are goats. So you pick door #1, which has the car, and Monty Hall opens door #3 and there's a goat. And then offers to let you switch your pick, and you stick with #1, and you lucky devil...you get the car.

You leave the studio, drive off in your brand new car, light yourself a smoke, turn on "Tunnel of Love" and think smugly how fucking cool you are because you won the car. But what you're not thinking about is that your car has already depreciated in value like 50%, and every time you drive over a pothole or hit a pedestrian it depreciates a little bit more. Then, you realize that you just got this car from some 85 year-old dude from a game show that rewards women like my mother who can, not unlike Mary Poppins, produce the most obscure item from their purse at any given moment.

Conversation from my mother's last visit:

My mom while I'm emptying my scrub pockets after work: Oooohhhh alcohol pads!
Me: Do you want some? I have like 300 from emptying my pockets every day.
Mom: What a great thing to keep in my purse just in case. Oooohhhh what's that?
Me (looking at her like she's nuts): It's a suture kit.
Mom (eyes lighting up, reaching out for it): Well you never know when someone might get a cut that needs to be stitched. Oh my what are those?
Me (incredulously): They're mesh underwear.
Mom (so excited): You never know when you might need a clean, fresh pair of underwear!

(Note: every time this comes up like at a family dinner or holiday and everyone around the table starts asking my mom, "do you have a dish towel?" "do you have all 50 state quarters or just those 27?" "do you have blue chenille yarn?" "do you have any other flavors of gum besides those 6?" "do you have any gameboy games?" she pulls stuff out and says, "do you want light blue, royal blue, or navy blue?" and "here's the gum but don't break your teeth on it...it's been in here for like 3 years..." and my whole point is proven that you really don't NEED that stuff if you only need it once every 3 years when the family is gathered at the dinner table mocking your purse or if you happen to be in the audience of Let's Make a Deal.)

Anyway, you're driving in your new car and you realize it's a 4-door sedan and even though it's got a sun roof and radio controllers on your steering wheel (I love my new car!) you didn't pick it out, you love your old car, the inside of it is a hideous color, the cup holders are too small, and there's only a tape deck and no cd player.

And then you say to yourself, "Fuck this shit. I shoulda picked the goat."

But what the hell are you gonna do with a goat? You can't afford to feed it, all it does is make lots of noise and poop everywhere, your neighbors want to kill you because it really gets their goat and let's face it Katie, your goat smells.

You can't win. Both options suck. And just by virtue of having been given a choice, somewhere down the road you're gonna question your choice and think you picked the wrong thing. But it doesn't matter because you can't go back and get the goat, you're stuck with the car, which is fine, but you know, just not enough, just not IT.







Ok?

warning: this is off-color

Quote of the year, perhaps (because of who was there when she said it...): "Mario could eat that off your nipples." ---Melissa, about that chocolate-y thing I had for lunch, to me and Mario, in front of my entire clinical group at our presentation conference today.

Dude...that was bold. And dirty. I'm impressed.

a message for santa (my ass santa claus isn't real!)

Dear Santa Claus,

Thank you for commenting to my blog. Now...it would be really awesome if some cute, sweet businessman (like Scott Calvin, kinda) could come through my chimney and bring me presents on Christmas. I know I don't celebrate Christmas, but I've been a really good girl this year for the most part. Kind of. No, I have.

Oh, and my kids want iDogs. And my dog would probably love an iKid, but she'll be happy with a bone.

If you think it's sacrilegious to bring gifts to a jewish girl in the desert, then my birthday is on Tuesday, so I'd be fine with that too.

Email me if you need directions to my chimney. And wear warm clothes cuz it is freezing here.

Ok, thanks.

Love,
Jill

elf you

Ok, this is why Jews do not have elves. Although I'm laughing pretty hard (and I haven't even inhaled). Yet.

Click here to see Zack, Michaela, or me as cute little Jewish elves.

Quote of yesterday: "There are 2 types of people in this world...Jews and Genitalias." ---someone at dinner last night (they mighta been drunk).

i'm so boring i can't even come up with a title

We jus't got an e'mail from one of our fellow nursing student's and she spelled y'all "ya'll." What the fuck? I'm thinking that ya'll might be the Canadian contraction of "ya will." Adult's who don't understand contraction's jus't really make me nut's.

Ok, so my patient from last week died Friday morning at 3am. I'm glad I wasn't the last person he saw before he died, but I'm also grateful that I was one of the last. The consensus is that I didn't actually kill him, I just expedited his imminent death (in a positive manner) and made him more comfortable. If he comes to me in my dreams or in the shower or something to haunt me, I'm gonna really think about becoming a school nurse.

Tomorrow Michaela is giving a talk on the life of Louis Braille. She wrote a monologue, a timeline, and a beautiful poem and she has to dress in character. Too bad she's playing a blind kid and she can't see how cute she is in drag. Speaking of, a boy in her class who constantly accuses her of having "girl cooties" has to dress up like Annie Oakley. Talk about justice...

my good car-ma

Quote of the day: "Oh my god can I please make out with your new car?" ---my friend Sean

The Blog Log:
How many car payments I have left: a lot
Days til my birthday: 8
Days til Hanukah: 11
Days til Christmas: 21
Days til New Years: 28
Days til Valentine's Day: 72