tales from an 8 year-old

Zacky just told me that cool means "constipated, overrated, outstyled loser" and jerk means "junior educated rich kid".... fijase. Kids today. I'm so confused.

Paul Simon would be proud...

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free

This is gonna be in Med/Surg: the Musical.

50 ways to love your liver...
Just lay off the Jack, Jack
Stop drinking Bud, Bud
Don't kill them with Raid, Wade
Just listen to me...

Oh my god cut off the cold medicine now. Fuck.

Quote of the day: "36 years ago from today I WAS wearing diapers." ---me. You mighta hadta be there...

my 15 seconds of fame

Radio is a sound salvation
Radio is cleaning up the nation
They say you better listen to the voice of reason
But they don't give you any choice 'cause they think that it's treason
So you had better do as you are told
You better listen to the radio

On the way to camp this morning, we called Jackie and Tony and got to have a conversation with them on the radio about sushi. Zack and I talked and Michaela sat in the backseat and giggled. But when they first answered I said, "hey guys, it's Michaela's mom" and they said, "Jilllllll" so Michaela felt all special. (She was in their son's class last year.) It was fun all around. This is such a small town...

Correction: Katie informs me that according to wikipedia, it is not reverse-cowboy, it is reverse-cowgirl. So let me rephrase my thought from the other day: "God, I'd love to reverse-cowgirl that guy."

Oh...and if anyone wants free tickets to the Isotopes/Lobos games next Tuesday night, let me know. Apparently exhub has the in. (Thanks, D.)

warning...ventberg

My wife has burned the scrambled eggs
The dog just bit my leg
My teenage daughter ran away
My fine young son has turned out gay
And it would be ok on any other day

Ok...I realize I don't have a wife or a teenage daughter and I would actually be cool with my fine young son turning out gay. Anyway...

Why did I get out of bed this morning? Woke up with a cold, got a really mean-spirited message, had to deal with an exhausting family member, didn't get the A+ I should have gotten on that damn exam, spent the day having a not-so-fun email exchange with someone whose day I usually brighten (and vice versa)...now I will go pick up the 8 year-olds, probably run into my scary ex, and then go hang out at the baseball field. I know they're not the Brewers, but it's baseball, dammit. Shouldn't they sell beer??????

And this is the high desert. Where the fuck is the sunshine?

OH MY GOD! Read that shit. I'm taking control. I shall guzzle NyQuil during American Idol, I have blocked certain people from ever sending me email again, I live far away from my family, oh fucking well on the exam, I apologized for the email thing, my ex can fuck off (plus I got a pedicure yesterday and I look fabulous...ha ha), and I have my own damn beer that Nathan from work brewed.

All righty then. Ventberg...OUT

to do...

So here is my to-do list at work...on the huge whiteboard outside the cleanroom. That used to say clock. I think that's the second time that's happened where some very humorous student has walked by and erased the "l". I know it can only be 2 or 3 of about 100 people who work here. Ok. When I am done with the spinner rpm's, I will do cock.

Yesterday Katie and I learned that using adjectives and nouns as verbs when they're really not verb-y can be quite fun. (Example: God, I'd love to reverse-cowboy that guy!) Today I heard another one: Sorry you got meaned. I love it. Keep the faux verbs coming....no pun intended.

I went to bed last night at 9:30 (thanks to Katie, I'm a Coldberg) so I didn't blog the quote of the day, which I have to remember, so here we go:

Quote of the day (yesterday): "Do you want to see me naked, Jill?" ---Paul, at the coffee shop

the wolverineberg

I'm writing songs to "School House Rock" I'll have you know...

Oh, and a haiku:
Low potassium
Electrolyte imbalance
Eat potato chips


Today they closed Harvard from Central to Silver because they're filming a movie there. People moved their tables in the street. How weird is this picture?

I talked to my dad tonight...he bashed the NIT even though Michigan might win. No fun at all cuz I can't gloat. But, there's nothing like talking to my dad.

Quote of the day: "Yeah, but I decided not to go to Fort Lauderdale for the week to party with all my frat boy buddies this year. Seemed like a better idea to stay home." ---My dad, about UWM's spring break that ended today.

short and nice(berg)

This post is for you ADHD'ers out there who can't read more than a few lines. I thought of another berg...

Sufficeberg - he's an adequate jew.

Last night I got a contact high. I liked that Blues Traveler-esque harmonica player though...

a whole bunch of jews...

the -Bergs:

Niceberg - the really nice jew (that would be Nathan and me, right?)
Riceberg - half jew, half asian
Twiceberg - those are my twins
Thriceberg - they're triplet jews
Diceberg - they're the jews that hang at casinos
Miceberg - that's Michael Eisner's real name
Priceberg - that's self-explanatory
Spliceberg - they're divorced jews
Viceberg - they're into really kinky sex
Liceberg - they're really unlucky cuz their kids went to a bad daycare
Iceberg - the cold, detached jew
Spiceberg - he's fucking hot

accomplishment...

Born at the instant
The church bells chime
And the whole world whispering
Born at the right time

I'm getting this shit done. 2 functional health histories, my reflective thinking exercise, my 505 shit for the week, and all my online quizzes due tomorrow. All I need is my laptop and some coffee and Katie sitting here with me saying (in between blowing her nose), "Yes, you're doing it right, just shut the fuck up and post it already" to feel ok. Now if only I could bring the troops back from Iraq, I'd be really psyched.

My best friend since I was 5 is pregnant with her 3rd kid. Now that's an accomplishment...dealing with 3 kids under 6 is way harder than what I do every day. Lis...you better go to temple and pray those kids don't do the shit we did growing up, or you're gonna have a full head of gray and margarita-stained carpets before you're 40. Oh...and like I said on the phone earlier, have another boy. Stay away from girls. Congrats...I love and miss you. And I'll see your pregnant belly in July.

Quote of the day:"How is it possible that I'm doing so well in this graduate class with such a minimal amount of effort? That's messed up." ahhhhh...you took the words right out of my mouth.

And when finally the bottom fell out
I became withdrawn
The only thing I knew how to do
Was to keep on keepin' on like a bird that flew
Tangled up in blue

Nursing diagnosis: Ineffective denial related to not dealing with what needs to be dealt with as manifested by doing anything possible to distract oneself from studying and making rationalizations to support this behavior.

Nursing Interventions: Encourage student to focus, encourage student to ponder what it will be like if they fail out of school, encourage student to start purchasing fun scrubs now so that they realize they've made an even bigger investment in their education than they already thought they had.

Nursing Outcomes: Come on, can one really fail out of UNM? No....if you do an assload of studying, you can get an A+. If you study just a lot, you get an A. If you have fun while you're doing it, you're still gonna be a nurse, until you purposefully start killing your patients. So keep on keepin' on...


Wow...I gotta get me one of these...I'd never have to speak again.

Coming soon...the blog about "niceberg"...not a jewish surname...

"check out my blog..."

Someone said my words are out of balance
Nothing to say, you've got nothing to say
Dying words I bury every day
Nothing to say, I've got nothing to say

Today it took 30 minutes to move my patient from a bed to a chair, and I had to give him 10 mg of oxycodone before and 4 mg of morphine after. Please, no matter how pissed off you are at someone, do not throw hot oil on them. This man has such a long road to recovery....

So I read this kid's blog (he's 12)...no I'm not stalking pre-teens, I knew his mom awhile back. Anyway, here's an excerpt from a post where he's talking about having a falling out with his best friend:

the only thing he said to me all day was "zealots at large".

I knew what he meant right away, it meant "check out my blog" because the address to his blog is zealotsatlarge.blog.com

Which made me think...I actually find myself saying this to people. Here are some actual conversations I've had:

Someone: Hey, how was your day?
Me: Well have you read my blog?

Someone else: How are clinicals?
Me: Don't you read my blog?

Another someone: How were the kids tonight?
Me: You should read my blog.

Another someone else: Why won't you respond to my fucking emails?
Me: I blogged you the other day. Have you read my blog?

Even another someone else: You never called me back.
Me: Yes, but I posted a comment to your blog.

Last but not least someone else: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Me: Ok, fine...I'll try to explain it to you in my blog.

Think of all the things you could do through a blog...deliver messages, tell people how you feel about them. You could even break up with someone on a blog. Technically, it's not interactive; the reader is at the mercy of the what blogger writes. If they can comment, cool...but they better cross their fingers and pray their comments even get published. There is power in blogging that I never even really thought about it. Hmmm.

This week I got an email with some very important news in it. Pissed me off that it came to me in an email. Now...if email is your only mode of communication, that's one thing...but I'm fairly certain this emailer remembers my phone number and where I live and work. Anyway, I guess to spare everyone's feelings (and so that you can all still hang out with me on a regular basis) I will refrain from using my blog as a personal messaging and calendar system.

Nevermind...

wait...one more quote from the shiksa

Quote of the night: "Ok and then after I eat Chinese food I'm going to go home and watch Seinfeld and learn even more about being Jewish." ---KT, after I told her that Jews eat Chinese food when they're sick.

punishment (and i'm not talkin' bout the violinist extraordinaire)

Everybody asks me how she’s doing
Has she really lost her mind?
I said, I couldn’t tell you I’ve lost mine...

So did you hear about the New Mexican toddler who was attacked by a pit bull? Apparently she almost died from horrible lacerations to her face and head and lots of other injuries. So then she recovers and what does she get to do? Meet the fucking president. As if being mauled by a canine with huge teeth isn't bad enough...now she has to endure further punishment by having to spend time with the leader of our country. Poor kid. That will scar her for life.

Speaking of kids, mine were the spawn of the devil today. This horrible spawn thing must skip a generation, cuz my mom's got it and my kids have it, but look at me...I have a halo. Interesting.

Sorry about your hard day KT. It could be worse...we could have bad hair or bad taste in music.

no more wire hangers

My mommie dearest has ruined my dream of visiting Paris this summer. I will control my urge to absolutely, thoroughly bash my mother on my blog.

shit...

You who are on the road
Must have a code
That you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past
Is just a goodbye

People are horrible to their kids. I realize I can't change anyone, so I will just find solace in the fact that there are some good people out there who aren't assholes to their kids, and I will try to always be good to mine.

How cool is this? The Super Colon, an inflatable 8-foot tall, 20-foot long replica of a human colon, is gonna be at the HSC Plaza tomorrow and Wednesday. You get to walk through it. If we do this, we are officially pieces of shit. We're going at what time?

T-shirt of the day:



Can anyone else not move? Or is it just me that is completely exhausted? I thought spring break was supposed to be rejuvenating.

The Lobos lost, Manhattan lost, Michigan won...damn. I'm going to crash with the 8 year-olds.

i saw you...

A man behind me talks to his young lady
He’s happy that she is expecting his baby
His wife won’t be pleased but she’s not been round lately

Some random thoughts for a wintry Sunday night...

Go Lobo women...

Do you think it's possible that all the really amazing men in the world are happily married? Or is it just that when you meet them, they aren't trying to impress you so they're just sweet and charming and not stupid and cocky?

(Disclaimer: this does NOT apply to St. Louis guy, who is neither amazing nor happily married. I am reveling in something he did this weekend that made me realize he is a bigger idiot than I thought. Excellent.)

I had eggplant parmesan with the cousins tonight. Always a pleasure to hang out with them. Asher got a free apartment in Manhattan for the summer (oh speaking of, go Manhattan!) so he's not coming home. Bummer.

Since the Alibi won't publish our "I Saw You" ad, I'll publish it here:

I saw you...you were at Smith's on Tramway buying 4 pounds of steak and KY Jelly. Call me. (What were the rest of them?)

Quote of the day: "Maybe we should make it 2 ounces." ---Neal, on how we're gonna get through the family reunion weekend.

jack and jill

I'll be there for you
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you
Cuz you're there for me too...

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY FRIENDS...
I can be a really good friend. I will give you all my change for the parking meter. I will let you sleep with St. Platypus, and I will even let you sleep with me if you're sick or you've had a bad dream. I will let you cheat off my test if you haven't had time to study (just kidding Andra!). I will talk to you on the phone for hours when you are sad and crying, and then I might even come see you when you convince me that you are in love with me and that you absolutely must kiss me. I will give you my last bite of Rio Grande mud pie. I'll mail you a hand-made quilt if your house burns down. I'll get all up in your grill and tell you all the things I love about you just because. I'll even give you my most coveted possession - a fully-stamped Satellite coffee card - if you're low on cash and need some java.

However, if you seek me out in a panic and make it sound dire, and lead me to believe that you are in such a bad place that I get in my car at 1:00 in the morning and drive across town to make sure you're not going to hurt yourself, it better fucking be real, and you better fucking tell me the truth.

Got it? Good.

I love you all,
Jill

And now...a few (rhetorical, please) questions to ponder...

Which part of my life or my personality leads anyone to believe that I am in any way connected with coke dealers? Perhaps standing on the corner of Zuni and San Pablo is a better idea than ringing me. (My apologies to San Pablo. He's a good patron saint.)

Do I have gullible tattooed on my forehead?

Did you know Cheers is on at 3am on Sunday mornings?

And this Jew wants to know...what time is the pig roast?

melt-down

I heard that you were drunk and mean
Down at the dairy queen
There's just enough of you in me
For me to have sympathy

So yeah, KT was having a dairy queen crisis and it was all pretty obnoxious... First Dairy Queen drive-thru...

Her: I'm sorry, we're not serving ice cream tonight.
Me: Excuse me?
Her: I'm sorry, we're not serving ice cream tonight.

Unbelievable.

seize the coffee

Well these days
I wish I was 6 again
Oh make me a red cape
I wanna be superman



Even though I spent most of my day lying on Katie's floor, I'm feeling quite accomplished...I researched the whole Paris flight thing, exchanged about 942 emails about je ne sais quoi, and completed my first functional health history for Med/Surg, but also, for the very first time ever in my life, I did my own taxes. I'd like to thank the makers of Turbo Tax... Like I need a hot, sexy accountant to help me. Not that I'd turn one down, if he was cool...

So uh Katie and I are hanging out in my bed watching Felicity and studying. Soco on the rocks is making me warm and fuzzzzy, KT's laundry is gonna be squeeeeeeeeeeaky clean, and the 8 year-olds and their overnight guest are making a badass fort.

Zack is sleeping with St. Platypus tonight, so I get Tusky as a replacement. Nice.

And Katie made a t-shirt!

before...
after!

Quote of the day: "Why don't you go tell ghost stories and talk about the dead people in your closet." ---omg they should make people get a fucking license to be a parent

KT and I are looking at pictures! Here are some really hilarious pictures of me from important milestones in my life:
me in first grade (yes, I am wearing a tie)
me at my bat mitzvah (yes, I am wearing a purple suit but it's 1981 and notice that my grandfather and I have the same glasses...)
me with my college boyfriend (omg i'm sorry exhub I know you hated him but mmmmmmmm god he was gorgeous...oh and do you have any idea where that bong is now???)
me at my hippie wedding (yes, everyone was smoking pot including my mother-in-law, so I heard)

march sadness

Ok, I'm done with the NCAA tournament. So awful. If (when?) the Gators beat the Panthers, I might have to fly home and start a fucking revolution.

Last day o' spring break. How horribly sad. I'm dreading Monday morning.

Bless.

brokeback bunny lovin'

Thanks to Pam for this great link. I love it. (Note to Pam: Please don't give my blog address to any of our family members. Thanks. xoxo)

wow

comments...so cool. now i know i have friends.

Harvard...the Wisconsin of the east

Varsity! Varsity!
U-rah-rah! Wisconsin!
Praise to thee we sing
Praise to thee our Alma Mater
U-rah-rah, Wisconsin!

Nevermind about Marquette. Damn Golden Eagles. I feel bad for those poor kids who pay $25K every year for tuition just to see their team lose in the first round.

Michigan's in the NIT. I'm rooting against them just cuz it's fun to call my dad and gloat. I'm pulling for Manhattan to go all the way, just because I'm sure some of them have that cool, sexy Ed Burns accent. (p.s. when I was looking for the bumper sticker link, I found this blog entry about Michigan sucking. Does anyone notice...this idiot got 250 comments to his blog posting. Oh my...)

Zack and Kaela were having a conversation on the way home from baseball practice tonight about powers. I asked what my power was, and they said it was love and taking care of people. See, when they say stuff like that, how am I supposed to feel ok about selling them into white slavery? Aight, they can stay for now. Maybe I'll buy them a pony. Maybe not...

Quote of the day: "My pussy." ---Katie...well that's new. I can't remember the context because I had just woken up I think...but I remember saying, "Did you just say your pussy?" and then we both laughed and laughed.....

if you wanna be a badger just come along with me...

Go Panthers! Now when Marquette wins this afternoon (they'll always be the Warriors to me) and the Badgers win tomorrow, I will be a very happy girl.

beware the ides of march...

Calm and vast the city lies
On a horizontal ground
Kind and calm Julius lies
For Octavian to prevail

So it's the 2050th anniversary of the assassination of Julius Caeser. Too bad Servilius Casca and Decimus Brutus aren't still alive cuz they might be able to help me out somehow... Hetox is going ok...gotta purge the crappy shit out of your life somehow. But I will admit it is a little more difficult when the carrot is dangled in front of your face day after day. I think I'm about done though.

Beat Box and Hip Hop and I enjoyed our evening ritual of watching American Idol...and I've got my bets placed on Taylor or Chris, but now that I've actually visited the American Idol webiste, I realize they're all pretty boring (at least in their profiles). And as a teary-eyed Michaela said tonight, "Mommy, no one is Kelly Clarkson. NO ONE." Oy vey.

Note to self: pick bands for new band day to show Michaela that she's right, no one is Kelly Clarkson. Tomorrow is Nico. Friday is gonna be Cyndi Lauper.

Note to exhub: HELP.


I took Zack bowling the other day. It was only his second time ever (he went once in kindergarten) and the kid broke 100 on his second game. One strike and several spares. Look out Andy Varipapa...here comes Zack Frankel-Johnson.


Oh...and it appears I've lost St. Platypus. Sigh.

the coolness factor

She's well respected
Cool, calm, collected
She's so affected
Cool, calm, collected

So today I have been having a philosophical discussion about coolness. I realize that everyone's definition of cool is different (my mother and I probably wouldn't see eye to eye on this subject). But for starters, I believe that people are cool if:

they can spell
they can write in complete sentences
they get the joke
they can quickly pull witty retorts out of their ass
they have a fabulous accent
their kids are cool
they use big words
they are open-minded
they can be weird and not give a shit what people think
they can quote movies and song lyrics
they are there for you when you need them
they can make a completely inappropriate joke work
they have seen you at your absolute worst and still love you
they are loyal to their peeps
they can keep a secret
they can turn nothing into sexy
they know how to have a good time

Quote of the day: "Oh Ed Burns...I'm straight and I'd nail him." ---Chris, who far surpasses coolness, during a discussion about very cool, sexy accents...


Chris, looking cool

Fish are friends...not food (well, most of them)

So I finally got my wish! Here's the latest addition to our family, and I got to name him Hepatomegaly. Which is actually really fitting cuz he's basically the liver of the fish tank. I tried to name those 2 goldfish Nephrotoxicity and Ototoxicity, but they're already named Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Whatever. They'll probably be dead with those names soon...

finally, you can post a damn comment

1. What time did you get up this morning? 7:00, and I found this survey in my email

2. Diamonds or pearls? diamonds

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Brokeback Mountain

4. What is your favorite TV show? current? ER...reruns? Seinfeld

5. What did you have for breakfast? still thinking about it

6. What is your middle name? Elaine

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Japanese (with Thai and Vietnamese tied for a close second)

8. What foods do you dislike? mustard and mushrooms

9. What is your favorite chip flavor? salt and vinegar

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? the Indigo Girls mix I made for KT

11. Favorite sandwich? pastrami and swiss on rye

12. What characteristic do you despise? people who lie to me just need to fuck off

13. Favorite item of clothing? my old, faded jeans

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation? the Greek Islands

15. Where would you retire to? Cape Cod

16. What was your most memorable birthday? 10th - I flew on a private jet to Michigan with my dad to hang out for the day with my grandparents

17. Where were you born? Milwaukee

18. Favorite sport to watch? basketball

19. Coke or Pepsi? agua por favor

20. Random thing people might not know about you? I know how to solve the Rubik's Cube


before

after