wake up

Today was pretty cool. I went to clinicals this morning and when I was riding the elevator up to the 6th floor I noticed a secret trap door. I tapped my foot on it and it opened up, so I jumped into it and landed in a pile of snakes. I'm so scared of snakes, but they were all smiling at me and totally friendly!

So then I asked them, "Where am I? And how do I get out of here?" and they made themselves into a rope for me. And at the end of the snake rope was another door in the other side of the ceiling. So I climbed up the rope and I thanked them and went through the second door. And all of the sudden I was on the beach!

And I'm like...oh my god...I'm in New Mexico and there's a white, sandy beach and turquoise water...it was freaky. But I decided to take advantage of it, and I figured if Andra knew where I was and how lucky I was to have found this amazing place, she wouldn't mind that I was going to be late.

So I hung out on the beach for awhile (and got really tan...wait til you all see me!) and then I thought...what would my kids do if they were here? They'd make a sick sand castle! So I made the most awesome sand castle ever. And I went to take a dip in the ocean and when I went back, the sand castle had turned to chocolate. And you all know how much chocolate I've eaten in the last 20 days, so I was really excited. I ate a whole bunch of it, and then I noticed there was another secret door, made of dark chocolate.

I ate the door (what else could I do?) and then I went into the secret room, and it was so bizarre...I was back in the elevator with Cipi and a patient. The elevator was stuck, and Cipi was performing emergency brain surgery on the patient and I got to help save his life. The rest of my clinical group (and Andra) were outside the elevator handing us stuff we needed and telling us what to do. Cipi was amazing. Not only was he performing this surgery as a 3rd semester nursing student, he was also on his cell phone interpreting (in Arabic) for some Iraqi leaders that were meeting with the president. (He's gonna be a fantastic nurse.)

Anyway, then the VA had a parade for us all the way from the parking lot to the Starbucks on San Mateo.

It was unbelievable.

I really like the VA hospital...I think I might seriously wanna work there when I graduate.

Yawn my ass.

there's no place like home

Poor Big Bird. Really, I never liked him anyway. He always said stupid things. Only cool thing about him was that he actually knew Snuffleupagus was real before everyone else did.

Anyway, happy belated Thanksgiving to anyone I didn't see, call, text message, or email. Katie joined our family for some really yummy food (thanks, exhub) and then we had a concert. Gotta be thankful for good company, nutritional yeast gravy, and the Albuquerque Turkey song, at the very least. (The 9 year-olds' rendition accompanied by their very groovy mom is memorialized on my voicemail, for those of you who want to hear it.)

As cool as yesterday was, I'm glad we've got one holiday out of the way. Oh...but I just realized I forgot to put Valentine's Day on that list of wonderful fiestas to look forward to. But maybe my horoscope from the Alibi will come true in the next 4 days and I'll forget that everyone in big metropolitan cities is beautiful and content and lucky and that sometimes people can only be happy without me.

Ugh.

If I do get to do the yellow brick road thing, the poppies better be ready to harvest, and my lighter better work.

The blog log:
On a scale of 0-10 how funny Shrek 2 is: 17
Days til Thanksgiving: 364
How many turkey sandwiches I ate today: 1
Days til my birthday: 18
How drunk I'm getting on my birthday: someone better confiscate my celly (Melissa, you coming?)
Days til Hanukah: 21
Days til Christmas: 31
Days til New Years: 38
Days til Valentine's Day: 82

i feel bad for all those turkeys

New Mexico is weird. Today on my way home I was trying to figure out one good reason why 2 huge shopping malls are across the street from one another. And there are no other shopping malls not on the west side. I don't get that. I don't really get shopping malls anyway, but if I HAD to have shopping malls, I'd think at least one could be up near Paseo or something.

And, apparently this is how New Mexico determines the election winner in the case of a tie. Calkins drew the 10 of hearts against Stearley's 7 of diamonds, so he gets to be mayor.

If only it were that easy...

I mean, come on. I won my election fair and square.

This is what the EKG machine did to my arm today. That was the most exciting thing of the day.

death by chocolate?

Monday morning in class Andra gave a lecture on end of life care and a bunch of people cried through the whole thing and it was really heavy and sad.

I get the thing about not internalizing your patient's situation and instead just helping them along their path, but I only have patients once before they get discharged with their newborn so what do I know.

The woman who delivered the 19 week old baby last weekend is still in my thoughts. So is the man who got the lung cancer diagnosis last Tuesday, and the amazing man who I hung out with for a bit today during his second round of chemo (we met during his first).

I keep thinking i'm going to have some big epiphany about life and love and death and ohhhh this is why things happen but I still get up every morning and wonder why...

Thought of the day...Katie says life is really long so if you need to take time away from people to work through things it's ok. I think life is too short to have to spend time separated from those you love. Where's the glass half full guy when you need him?

The blog log:

How many new things I learned today at my clinical in the MICU: 0
How many online quizzes I have left to take this semester: 0
How many papers I have left: 0
How many presentations I have to give: 2
How many exams I have left: 2
How many times Patsy called me "Mariah" yesterday: 3
On a scale of 0-10 how cool my kids have been today: 12
How much chocolate it takes to satiate me when I'm using it to replace someone I miss: there's not enough in the world
Days til Thanksgiving: 2
How many turkeys exhub bought for the occasion: 2 (wtf?)
Days til my birthday: 21
Days til Hanukah: 24
Days til Christmas: 34
Days til New Years: 41

the game of nursing

One day in class Katie and I created the prototype for a new game, based on The Game of Life. You move your little nurse around and try not to fuck up and get fired, get needle sticks, kill your patients, piss off doctors. I'm not sure why it stops after you get a raise and then burn down the unit.

This game is really violent. But marketable, maybe...

she's a little bit sylvia buchman and she's a little bit catholic schoolgirl

It was frightening, the day (I think I had inhaled) and I saw a picture of Marie Osmond and realized she is a cross between my mother and my stepmother.

It still freaks me out.

Oh my god, I can't look at it anymore.

balance and order

The Jewish mom guilt has taken over.

Here are the top 10 reasons why you all SHOULD have kids...

10. (from Colin) Cuz then there's someone to take care of you when you're older and you have someone to blame stuff on

9. Cuz they appreciate the pancakes you make in cool shapes and letters

8. Cuz you can play with playdough and colorforms and legos and go to Nickel City and not feel ridiculous

7. Cuz you can do things like make oceans out of blue jello and gummi worm fish and really enjoy it and then pretend you're a big shark and eat it all and not feel ridiculous

6. Cuz you can have concerts in your living room instead of just playing the guitar solo

5. Cuz every once in awhile they say things like, "Why do people care WHO someone loves?" and you realize that you're doing something right

4. Cuz you can run around the house wearing capes and have lightsaber fights

3. Cuz you can go see Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo, Cars, etc. as many times as you want and not feel silly

2. Cuz you can teach them how to do things like play baseball and musical instruments and watch them get better than you pretty quickly

1. Cuz they'll cuddle with you any time you want and always tell you how much they love you even when you feel or look like shit and think things will never get better

next semester: parenting 101

Ok all you childless people...here's my top 10 list of the week: the top 10 reasons why you should remain childless. Soon, perhaps, I will offset this list with the top 10 reasons why you should have kids, but I'm not there right now.

10. You actually get to pick the movie, and it can have sex, drugs, swearing, nudity, and other adult content in it

9. You can skip meals if you just don't feel like cooking and/or eating

8. You can work, study, play, or do whatever whenever you want

7. You can keep whatever you want in your nightstand drawer

6. Your laundry isn't exponential

5. The only fights you're gonna break up are the ones that are going on at the Frontier when you happen to be there at 2 am on Saturday morning

4. The only thing waking you up in the middle of the night is your bedmate, your dog/cat/ferret/whatever, your neighbors playing loud music, or your cell phone

3. If you meet a guy/girl/whatever and you wanna run away with them, you don't have other people to consider

2. You can live your life not knowing that your mother likes your kids more than she likes you

1. You don't ever have to go to parent/teacher conferences and hear all the stuff your kids aren't telling you

The blog log:
How many parent/teacher conferences I had today: 2
How many kids I'm taking to Itz to celebrate their stellar parent/teacher conferences: 0
How many hats I made last night at work: 2 1/2
How many pages of my family paper I have written: 0
How many I'm gonna write before I go to bed tonight: 5
Days til Thanksgiving: 6
Days til my birthday: 25
Days til Hanukah: 28
Days til Christmas: 38
Days til New Years: 45

the one year anniversary blog

One year ago from today (probably right about now) we were sitting in Robin's Research class and I was writing my very first blog. As I'm sitting here now writing this, I'm reflecting on all the things in my life that are different, like...

1. I was a pathetic J-1 doing my psych rotation
2. I had really long hair
3. I didn't own scrubs or a stethoscope
4. My laptop had sound
5. I didn't know Ari and Hank and I had no idea how cool Melissa is

It's weird to think about how much has happened in a year, and how much has changed. I started to read the whole thing but it was way too depressing. I've never been one to go back and read journals/diaries after I've written them...I'm more the put it in the middle of the street in a pile and set fire to it type. Good riddance, look forward. I'm having such a hard time with that right now...

I love you guys. You've made nursing school so fun. And your comments have made this blog fun. And sometimes you just get me through the day.

Ok, enough of my sadness. I'm dragging the kids out to party tonight after we eat cookie dough and dance to the Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat soundtrack. Anything to distract my New York state of mind. Anything.

Coming soon (after I've inhaled): the top 20 reasons why I should run for president.

The blog log:
Days til Thanksgiving: 8
Days til my birthday: 27
Days til Hanukah: 30
Days til Christmas: 40
Days til New Years: 47

the blah blahg

I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think you were the one
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all

Today on the way to do those stupid fucking asshole modules (I cannot BELIEVE those count as electives) Colin and I decided it would be better to jump off of an overpass into rush-hour traffic than to overdose on Excedrin and be awake for 2 weeks until the acetaminophen finally shut down your liver and killed you. And now, as I sit here 4 hours after taking 2 Excedrin Migraine pills, I'm thinking we may have really been right...cuz while my headache is gone, I feel like I've done a whole bunch of really bad speed.

I hate life right now.

I'm going to get drunk and watch Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and Garden State and try and forget about how much I hate life.

The blog log:
Days til Thanksgiving: 13
Days til my birthday: 32
Days til Hanukah: 35
Days til Christmas: 45
Days til New Years: 52

So 52 days and this holiday bullshit will be over. Thank god.

does anyone really read this anymore?

Lonely the life, and dismal the view
closed is the road, that leads to you
since better can't be, as friends we'll agree
sabra girl, time will cure me

I finally got out of bed today to have coffee and study (ha ha). Thanks Colin, I love you a lot.

Ok, so life sucks right now. And I'm not myself, and I've (hopefully only temporarily) lost the muse for this stupid blog. And I might spend the next month hiding out in bed with my dog. But I'm done calling in sick to work and clinicals, I swear.

Quote of the day: "Life's what happens when you're making other plans." ---Colin. Ok fine, but fuck that. I don't feel like being thrown off anymore.

While I was busy giving chemotherapy today, Katie was busy voting. And I've been informed that she wrote me in and voted for me for Public Commissioner of Education.

If I get elected, do you think I can still finish nursing school?

Someone told me today my eyes were mysterious.

I find this all very interesting.

ghost blog #1 revisited

From March...

When things get crappy…

Can you believe that the coffee shop was not open yesterday? I hardly knew what to do with myself. Jill, Colin and I ended up across the street at Java the Hut. While evaluating ECGs (or FCGs, fucked CGs) we compared our current relationships to the electrical tracing. “Katie, you are at Q right now but you know that R is coming and you can really look forward to T.” We extolled the simplicity of the P wave or even the baseline lack of electrical activity. When our relationships get tachy, do we allow them to progress to asystole? Some of us, okay maybe just me, want to push the heart to its very limits. If I call you the worst name possible, can you forgive me or will you never speak to me again? Am I lovable even when in a rage and out of control?

I don’t believe that our relationships are linear or even ECGular, sometimes we are close and sometimes we are distant. I lived in Mozonte for 2 years without a phone or email and with a less than reliable postal service. Some of my relationships recovered from that. Others are still rebounding 2 years status post Peace Corps. The distance was an obvious result of an experience I chose. I think that is different from cutting someone out. You always have a choice as to who is in your life and you can walk away if you want, wean yourself from someone, allow asystole rather than survive with angina pectoris. I think that there are people “we are born to” that we are still meeting and getting to know (Frankel, 2006). Like family we forgive them and do not put conditions on the love, do not map it like an ECG with a predictable path, do not expect it to be painless…

Weaning is for weenies.

(and then there is atherosclerosis, the people that you cant get out of your arteries, but thats a whole different disease process now isnt it Jill?)

word of the day

Chrappy : describing a Christian American Princess, along the lines of Jappy.

st. anthony, st. anthony i'm searching for a compliment

Ok...here's my whiny blog. Too bad it's not wine-y but that might be later.

I, for the most part, am an upstanding citizen
I try not to ever lie to people
I try to be there whenever people need me
I don't steal (except the occasional dark chocolate from my kids' Halloween baskets)
I pay my bills on time
I put my kids before myself the vast majority of the time
I take my puppy to the dog park
I take care of people who are dying by day and people who are being born by night
I don't use people for personal gain
I don't make decisions regarding what I will or will not get out of something
And I don't withhold information from people because I'm afraid they might never talk to me again

And I do all these things not because I actually believe in hell and am trying to avoid being sent to the fiery afterlife of doom (no disrespect meant to St. Anthony or his peeps), but because I want to do the right thing even if it's not the easiest.

A few people have me a little bit convinced today that I'm selfish and I suck. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not and I don't, cuz I know I'm not and I don't, but I'm gonna go drink a bottle of wine (given to me by a nurse at work who doesn't think I suck) and reclaim my self-worth and inner sense of peace.

Quote of the day: "It's really a case of being comfortable with yourself because that's who you have to live with." ---someone from my moms' group. I'll drink to that.

Totally unrelated quote of the day: "Mommy, the word 'forever' kinda makes my head spin." ---Michaela, after I suggested she keep an assignment she did perfectly and beautifully forever.

randomosity

So here are my 4th graders' 4th grade pictures. I remember starting to be a little awkward in 5th grade but I gotta say I think Kaela has me beat. She is cute though; not many people could get away with wearing that color green.

Life is mellow at casa de us tonight. No fighting, no screaming, and everyone loved dinner so no "I want quesadillas and tofu" tantrums.

This week I started IVs and gave lots of chemo. My oncology rotation might be one of the hardest things I've ever done. Although it's already been exciting...we've had ranting charge nurses, needle sticks, codes, really horrible decubs, and flat tires...and it's only our 2nd week. (By the way, none of those things happened to me.)

My bedtime is getting earlier and earlier...last night I thought 9:50 was outrageous, but I'm ready to pass out now...well, as soon as The Rich List is over. At some point this semester, I will start studying.

Hope everyone is well.